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I’ve sat looking at this blank page for what feels like an eternity… I feel I don’t even know who I am and can’t trust the memories I have, except all that I’ve written in these pages. Maybe this was the best thing for me; to journal. I have verifiable proof in these pages of what I’ve experienced. And I must start writing before the events of tonight become too faint.
Part of me wishes I had died tonight, for I’m confused how it is I’m writing this. How many times had I come close to death? How confused and angry I am and the grief that I must bear. I was a fool to call upon Heironious!
As I sat in the tree, watching the sun slowly descend, I remembered what I had told Raæin last night. It was quite the opportunity before me now. I was away from everyone. No awkward excuse to raise suspicions. Just me lost in the jungle, up a tree and if I died as a direct result, they’d be none the wiser as to what happened… though Raæin may suspect.
Yet that got me for a moment. I hadn’t expected to do this so suddenly. What if He did answer? I hadn’t pondered too deeply the key things I wanted to know. What would I ask first? I knew I wanted to find out if my sister was Malfeiya. I also wanted to know why was it they were trying to unite as one and what was to be gained. I figured that was at least a start. If Heironious gave me concrete answers, hopefully I would find peace and understanding.
I steadied myself on the branch, getting to my feet and bracing myself with a branch above. Not sure where to look, or if I should be looking, I called out in a voice as though I were calling to someone who had their back to me.
“Heironious?” I said, my eyes lowered and staring at the branch I stood on. Something warm, like a tremor, went down my spine and I heard Him.
“What is my lost child?” His warm and inviting voice said to me. I was stunned for a moment. I thought I would have had to beg and plead to hear from Him. His voice was dearly missed. How I yearned to go to Him, wherever He was. Yet I reminded myself that I mustn’t forget what He had done. With the initial surprise, and a desire inside me to go back to the way things once were, my clearly thought out questions ended up rushing out.
“What is going on? Who is Malfeiya,” I asked with a touch of desperation for Heironious to make it alright once more.
“Hmmm,” I heard him say, as if it were a thought in my mind, “Why is it that you are always asking me that question? Why can’t you just trust me,” Heironious calming and alluring voice resonated in me with a touch of exasperation. I felt slightly irritated he would make such a comment. Why was he being so secretive?
“I did put my trust into you!” I snapped, but quickly humbled myself. I especially didn’t want to be rude like I was when I last spoke with Heironious. I would figured this time it would end with my death and here I was hoping I could avoid that, “I know I’m rash and impatient and I’m… sorry,” I forced out while keeping my voice even and respectful, “I want to trust you again,” I began honestly, “but help me better understand what I’ve been learning and hearing then. Your mark is now aligned with Erythnul’s. The soul trapped creatures that have this new mark are lethal, though nothing has come of them yet other than Billy. You, Erythnul, and… Malfeiya or Meryth were at Podunk, but for what purpose? To Enslave those people as well before we ruined the ritual? What was it about Malfeiya that would convince you that working with Erythnul was a good idea? Why did you have to lie to me about my sister and the mark? Why didn’t you stop it before it got out of control!?”
I put a hand to my mouth as my emotions began to run wild with every question I had pent up inside from the hurt and anger I felt toward Him. Those, too, were questions I needed answers to. Part of me was scared the truth would be the ugly truth I’ve learned, but part of me still clung onto the hope that this would all be just a huge misunderstanding. And knowing how Heironious lied to me about Meryth and the true nature of the mark made me sick. Her innocent blood was on my hands and I hated that!
I heard movement behind me and instinctively I pulled my halberd to the ready. I’m then surprised by who I saw. I looked to see Heironious- well rather a version of Him, step from the shadows. He had vestigial horns protruding from his forehead and his fingers elongated with the beginning of claws. His brow was furrowed with frustration and his lips pulled back to show sharp teeth that weren’t quite fangs yet… As scared as I felt, I couldn’t help but look on in confusion and pity.
“Heironious… what happened?” I said, concern eminent in my voice.
“You do not know of what you speak!” I heard Erythnul shout at me. I my eyes grew wide and I felt myself shrink and start to tremble uncontrollably as the most feared God now stood before me. I knelt down to brace myself, worried I’d fall off the branch from my trembling. “The nature of our godhood was threatened and we will NOT be deposed by such beasts as the Sangrail!” He continued to shout, though now it was clear that it was Erythnul and Heironious speaking to me. I looked back up at him confused to hear both. I saw His eyes flash with three distinct colors in His iris.
“As for your sister, you were happy to have her Exalted! After campaigning for her soul for so long, even that wasn’t enough! You wanted all the Marked being to be saved! BUT YOU KNOW NOTHING! NOTHING OF THE BALANCE THAT MUST BE MAINTAINED!!!” He thundered at me. The fear that gripped me left me paralyzed. My mind scrambled to comprehend what He was saying, for it confused me to have been accused of petitioning for Meryth’s Exaltation and wanting to save all the marked beings. I did no such thing. When I had died and was told because of the mark Meryth couldn’t be Exalted. I came to accept that! Only when Malfeiya was Exalted did I rebel for she was marked!
In the fog of confusion, I was most certain I was given no clear answer. Yet I had to wonder if what I was experiencing was a test to see if I could maintain my cool, to see if I was ready to handle what really was happening. So with the little courage I could muster, I answered.
“You’re right. I don’t know of the balance,” I said, striving to keep my voice steady and calm, “I’ve only learned recently that I don’t know much about the deities. Just a few days ago I thought deities knew everything and lived without a care in the world other than to gain followers after their same views and standards and punished those who betrayed them. I just learned that you all still have problems, like this balance that needs to be maintained. If what you’re doing is for the better good, help me understand. Telling me the mark was evil only for me to find out it holds no power makes me wonder if I can trust you. Saying a marked being can’t be Exalted, only for Malfeiya to be, seems unjust! If there is reason to all of this, please explain. I know I’ve been impatient and I’ve learned now that that has done nothing but get me into trouble,” I pleaded with them. Then a thought came to me. What if they needed to feel like I was willing to help them? Maybe they’d trust me to know. And knowing who Rekka was, I knew I had to ask them what it was about the Sangrail that threatened them.
“Why is the Sangrail a threat to you?” I asked calmly.
“The Sangrails,” He snarled, “are mortals born with the potential of usurping the Gods,” He then folded his arms and continued to glare at my pitiful form, “As for one of your other tedious questions, I already told you Araja! You were the one who argued for your sister to be Exalted,” He said to me clearly exasperated. He then took a moment and His face became more passive as He thought, “I suppose being cast down has addled your mind and altered your memories…”
Altered what memories, I thought and, Did I really argue for my sister’s Exaltation? Then it clicked. Why was it they couldn’t just say ‘Meryth is Malfeiya?’ So why was it I don’t remember petitioning for her Exaltation?
“Why was her name changed-” I began before looking more closely at whom I could only assume to be Heinulfia. Somehow they had combined! When had that happened?
“Meryth?” I called out to her, wondering if she was in there and could hear me.
“I’m here,” I heard Meryth call out. My eye shot right to her as she walked out of the shadows. Her voice was still gentle and light as I remembered it, but she was older. She had grown up… Isaac was right! Of all the words I knew, nothing could express how annoyed I felt at that moment of realization. Yet as annoyed as I was in that moment, joy erupted in my heart. I was looking at my little sister again! Meryth was alive! I lost all composure as tears sprang to my eyes out of joy. I rushed to her, not caring about Heinul (since the two deities were clearly one now). No resistance was met and I hugged my sister fiercely.
“You’re alive!” I exclaimed out of astonishment. I pulled back to look at her features, noticing her face had some scars on it, “Were you really Malfeiya?” I asked. She nodded giving me a warm smile. I traced her face with my fingers, careful about the scars to which she jerked her head as my fingers touched them, “Sorry,” I said. It was hard to believe she was really there. I feared if I stopped touching her, that she’d vanish. I worried this would be one of those dreams I had centuries ago, and ever so often still have, and soon I’d wake from it.
“You may go,” Meryth told Heinul, who bowed to her before disappearing into the shadows that were increasing as the sun turned into twilight. “What do you want dear sister?” she asked warmly giving a gentle smile.
I beamed through my tears, almost lost for words, “I’m just in complete amazement that you’re alive!” I gushed once more, “You’ve grown up so much. When did they revive you? Who watched over you-” I then caught myself. She was alive. She was working with Heinul… Why? I could feel the joy suddenly leave me as I realized the consequences of her survival.
“Meryth… Why are you having Heironious and Erythnul work together?” I said slowly with concern. She smiled at me with the smile I grew so fond of when she was a kid. Part of me was glad that hadn’t changed.
“Let me start with your first question,” she said, “I was never revived sister because I was never truly dead.” I looked at her quizzically. As painful as it was to know I had killed her, well tried to kill her, I couldn’t help but wonder how she could have survived my attack.
Meryth seemed to sense my thoughts, “You did make a very gallant effort to kill me sister. Had you succeeded you would have ruined us all.”
“I’m sorry about that Meryth,” I said automatically. I now felt embarrassed for having tried to kill her, “I’ve hated myself for so long because of that” I apologized. Meryth continued to smile, though it seemed to have shifted to something different.
“Well, I survived,” she brushed off, “As for your second question, I eventually found a way to resurface as Malfeiya and no one knew the difference.” Meryth then shifted, her eyes squinting just a little and her smile becoming a smirk, “As for my pets, they do what I will them to do. That is all you need to worry about with Heironious and Erythnul.”
My eyes narrowed on Meryth as she used the term ‘pets’ so casually in reference to the Gods. There was something about her… something that wasn’t Meryth at all. That feeling of ‘this is not my sister’ came over me which scared me. But maybe I was being rash. She had grown up and again, I needed to be patient if I was about to get any answers about all that has happened and is going on.
“That’s an interesting term to refer to them as,” I said casually, trying to feign my suspicion, “So if I need not worry about them, what is this I hear about you and them trying to become one? What are you to gain from this? And as I think about it, what is the purpose of the soul trapped beings that are marked by them?”
Meryth looked me in the eyes, her smile looking more fake by the minute, “Well, once we’re one, the other Gods won’t be strong enough to resist and they too will join with me. There will be peace at last in the heavens and hells,” then in a more sinister tone, “and the Sangrail will be no more.” She paused for a moment before continuing onto my next question, “As for the soultrapped, every deity needs followers,” her face lit up at this notion, “and the soultrapped are excellent believers. It’s their faith that makes me strong… and I will be strong for eternity.”
I looked at her with questioning eyes. My head filled with questions that only a few were able to form into words. When did power ever matter to her? And what peace did the Heaven’s need? The good lived there while the evil lived in the 9 hells. Combining all into one being? What made her decide she was the one to take charge of all of that? How was it Erythnul and Heironious even considered this as a good idea?
“Meryth, when did you start wanting to become a deity? I don’t recall you ever caring about power. We followed Heironious, but I never knew you desired to be deific like Him.” If this was a secret she had kept from me during our life together, then I truly was curious to know why and when this came about.
“There are… a lot of things you never knew… A lot of things you’ll never know,” Meryth said, this time not looking me in the eyes. It was then that I realize she had been toying with a dagger. I felt the breath in me escape and my knees grow weak. I felt like throwing up but instead tears start to fall from my eyes again, but not out of sorrow and fear for myself. No. It was out of sorrow for my sister and what she had become- what she was about to do. Was all of the darkness I saw in her because I failed to kill her? Because I tried to kill her when I thought it for the greater good?
“Meryth,” I barely get out in a whisper before clearing my throat and starting again, not daring to look her in the eyes, “I’m really sorry for what I did to you. I am sorry for whatever hardship I have caused you. I hope you can understand how much I’ve missed you and how grateful I am to see you again-” which I was. Everything I said was with utmost sincerity. She was my sister.
As she continued to play with the dagger in front of me I couldn’t stop the trembling from setting in again. I knew something bad would come from addressing the Gods, but how disappointing to have found my sister acting in such away... I couldn’t believe it and what was I to do about it? I was at her mercy for I had no fight in me, especially knowing two Gods lurked in the shadows somewhere.
In a last effort of bravery, I looked Meryth in the eyes to challenge her. Knowing my end was nigh, I wasn’t too worried if my words offended her, “So what will it be Meryth? Kill me? Make me a follower by force so when I die my marked body will have no choice?” I had some bite to those words. My hope was to try and reason with her, to make her really think about what she was doing. “If all of this is for the better good, why do I feel so threatened and scared?” I barely clip out without shouting.
Meryth’s eyes and smile grew warm once more. “You can still join me dear sister. Accept my mark and serve me.”
I looked at her, dumbfounded for a moment. The warmth of her smile almost convinced me, almost had me prefer the mark over death. But the mark would mean I had no choice and that was one thing I refused to give up.
“No,” I said in a low respectful voice, but then the anger erupted from within and I continued on more daringly in my rebuke, “No! If I’m so dear, sister, why do I need to mark myself to prove my devotion!? We are the same flesh and blood. You dare question my devotion to you!? We fought the mark because we chose to keep our agency! Of course it makes no sense now that I understand it better, but I refuse to mark my body to ‘prove’ this devotion. Either you trust I’m devoted to you or force me against my will!” Once those words had escaped my mouth, part of me wished I had maintained composure a little better. I couldn’t help but fear her power over me. She was deity! ...She was my sister…
I looked back at her my heart filling with sorrow once more. Here I was, kind of getting somewhere, but now moments away from being killed by the one person I loved most in this world. Even if by some chance Meryth believed me, that I was devoted to her, I couldn’t look past the evil that was in her. How could I be devoted to her cause? How could I be devoted to her?
Meryth’s smile disappeared as she pursed her lips together. Her eyes became icy and a chill ran down my spine as I kept her leer.
“You fought the mark, not me! It was always that way. From the very beginning it was my design! My Mark! My pets played their parts all the while gathering strength for me through their followers,” a touch of softness came to her eyes as she continued; “I loved you like I never loved any other mortal. You were my sister, my blood, and yet you thought to kill me when you saw me marked,” her tone becoming condescending, “In truth, I had stopped to speak with my high priest. Then you came over in your delirium and thought we were under attack and so you struck. How great your ‘love’ must have been for me considering how little you thought about your actions before striking me down!” Meryth spat at me. Her eyes were hard once more and her lips curled as she continued to go one with the list of wrong doings I hadn’t known I had done.
“And then, not a year later after I released you from Hell! I who loved you! I whom you fought for in the Heavens and lead the Holy Host into battle against me and mine! I who won by trampling your angels under my feet! I who bound you for eternity! I who couldn’t bear to see you suffer so, though you have given me so much grief, let you go!” Meryth said with such malice even I was confused as to why she loved me so and how it was I was standing there. I would have thought she was done, but she had a more to add.
“Despite my kindness, what did you do in return?” she paused for a moment, her eyes daring me to answer. I had suspected my being there, fighting against the mark, would have been the answer, but I was wrong. “In the moment when I was to finally be joined with my pets,” she continued, “when victory was so close, YOU RUINED THE RITUAL!!!” Meryth shrieked, “You could have destroyed me! I still bear the scars of that day and will never go unmarred because of you!” she then gestured to her face.
I held my tongue. I was numb inside. How ugly the truth was. My sister was behind the mark from the beginning. How? How was it I thought my sister so innocent? How was it a 12 year old was so dark and I not realize it? Why couldn’t I remember any of that? How was I so blind to all that around me? Was this a trick? I was freed from Hell? I lead the Holy Host? Why am I still alive!? All those questions bombarded my mind as I stood confused in my own skin. And that was just it. What was there to do? I had no way of verifying if what she was saying was true, though what she said felt truthful. And was her love for me really that strong that she would just let me get away with all the grief I’ve caused her? I suppose as I looked at her still holding the dagger that she was finally ready to go through with killing me. In that moment, I felt ready to die for my soul felt ripped open with the guilt, anger, sorrow, and fear there.
With no proof of who was right, I decided I wouldn’t argue the facts, but rather be honest with how I felt. I was certain the words I was about to speak would be my last.
“Meryth, I suppose you and I have very different views. I want a life where there is just rule. Where people are free to choose for themselves. Those were the ideals I remember Heironious to be all about. And now to see you forcing your power upon the people, 'buying' your followers to become stronger? Toying with the emotions of two Gods? I'm sorry. You are not the person I thought you were and I will be honest, I can't support you. I will not fight you for I still love you and will always think of you as my little sister, but I cannot follow you for it feels against what I stand for.” I then waited as she appraised me. Once more a softness fell over her. She looked at me, a sense of longing in her eyes as she considered my words and what she would do.
“Would you kill me now if you had the chance?” She asked simply. No malice. No begging. “This dagger has the power to do just that,” she informed me. She then held it out to me. Something about her looked as though she was ready to die, yet an innocence about her that seemed she wanted to be with me while deep in her eyes I could see her hunger to rule the universe fighting for control.
But here it was, her offering me another chance to kill her! How could she offer me such a cruel choice. Did she not hear the sincerity of my grief when I apologized for nearly killing her? Yet… what if she was pleading for me to set her free from whatever cruel thing that had consumed the good in her? If I refused, I’m surely dead, let alone she will continue about her dark works which wouldn’t be good for the welfare of this world and others. If I kill her, once more I’d have her blood on my hands, but she would be free and an important piece in whatever was happening would be eliminated... right?
I knew what I had to do and the obligation to uphold my morals weighed heavily in my mind as I committed to the choice. I almost unconsciously reached out and took the dagger. I looked at Meryth just standing there, stoic like I never could be. The tears flowed from my eyes and though my hand shook and my vision was blurred, I stepped toward Meryth and stabbed her. She clutched at my shoulders, her face mingled with pain and anger. I let out a sob as I watched her life begin to leave her. Feeling her body grow limp I knelt down and carefully laid her in my lap. I looked her in the eyes and watched my sister transform back into her 12 year old self. She gave me that warm smile I loved so much. How could she smile at me?
“Araja,” her sweet voice called to me. I carefully cradled her and looked at her through my tears, “This won’t stop them… they fear the Sangrail,” she managed to get out before she became more faint. With what little strength Meryth had left, I watched her mouth ‘thank you’ as the last breathes of life escaped her lungs. I hugged her close to me, sobbing into her hair and wishing I had more time with her. I could only hope she was now free, but she was also gone once more with no Exaltation. Just her lifeless body in my arms, lost in the middle of nowhere. And as I sat with her, my body racked in sobs, how alone I felt. I suppose I should have been grateful that no false comfort was being given to me, but the pain was too much for me to bear alone.
Then I recalled asong that I remembered singing to Meryth to comfort her when we lived our first lives. But as I sang it in my head, the words felt like lies and carried no comfort:
Darlin' dry those tears running down your face
You know I'll never let you go.
All this darkness cannot kill your light.
I remember how you never want to be alone
Just hold my hand, I'll be your shield tonight
Never ever look outside our window
Else you'll see this world's on fire
The war of who is right keeps raging on
Hold on to your lullaby
And I'll never be gone
Please rest your eyes
No need to make a sound
You’re safe tonight
Nothing can harm you now
By dawn’s first light
You and I'll be safe and sound
I wish I could have made the song stop, but the haunting words kept replaying in my head as I held my sister. The words pierced me as I sat there seeing how I had failed her.
There is so much to still digest from this night, but I am in mourning and honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to carefully ponder these words again without completely losing it. Did I really do the right thing for my sister tonight? When will this pain end? I can only hope my party finds me soon, though I know there will be no any sympathy or comfort there. However it might be wise to have Isaac speak with my sister’s soul. By doing so, maybe she’ll be able to tell me what happened to her and maybe more about what Their plans are... I dunno. It could very well be too painful.
Oh, and one final note. That dagger I used to kill Meryth with; strong magic- healing. How did I kill my sister with a dagger that heals?
